The other day I was thinking about how lucky I am to have been blessed with two amazing children. I am honored to have been chosen to be their mother. They came into this world in very different ways and each was a learning experience. I have to say the the major difference (besides the obvious surgical vs. non-surgical aspect) was the emotional toll on me. I try to focus on my belief that everything happens for a reason, even if it doesn’t make sense in the moment. That said, I’m going to say that even though, in the moment (and for a while after), I was devastated about having a cesarean, I know it needed to happen. Darian taught me that life can’t be planned and that even if I have a vision of the way something ‘should be’, it will happen the way it was meant to happen. Haigen taught me to have faith in my body and that nature knows what it’s doing. Here are my birth stories:
Darian’s birth:
When I found out I was pregnant with Darian, I was in a transitional state of my life. I signed up for Massage Therapy school on Halloween in 2007. The following morning, I was fired from my job as an engineer for the most ridiculous reason (that’s another blog entry, let’s just say that I think my boss needed to do layoffs and was trying to avoid paying me unemployment...I got my unemployment anyway though). We had been trying to conceive and I had a feeling I was pregnant, but didn’t think I could handle finding out just yet, so I waited another 2 days and on November 3, 2007, I found out I was pregnant. It was bitter-sweet for me since I had just lost about 1/2 of our household income and didn’t know how we would afford our mortgage, let alone a child! Once the initial shock was over, I became excited because I knew I wouldn’t be given more than I could handle. Now, I had to plan for this birth. I was going to an OB/Gyn for my annual check-ups, but after meeting with their nurse and finding out there were 9 doctors and that whoever was on-call would be the one to deliver my baby, I knew I wanted more personal care. My sister-in-law had used a midwife and described her care as very hands-on and personal, so I was on a quest to find a midwife that was covered by my insurance and delivered in a hospital. I had success! I found a practice of 2 midwives and felt like I was really in control of my pregnancy. How naive of me to think I had ANY control!
Pregnancy was good. I wasn’t one of those miserable pregnant women, but I also didn’t LOVE every minute of it. It had ups and downs, but I knew it was all going to be worth it! Each of my visits, I was told I was “right where I should be” with size and everything. My Estimated Due Date (EDD) was July 7, 2008, my grandfather’s birthday. I had taken out my pendulum and a calendar and it said my baby would come on July 11. So when I got up to pee before 6 am that morning and my water broke, I was amazed it was right!
Sean had just gotten home from work around 3:30 am, so I woke him to tell him the news that we were going to be parents that day! After I spoke to my midwife’s office and they said to call when my contractions were regular, I told him to sleep some more. They told me to try and get some sleep...like that was possible! I was too excited to sleep anymore...I was going to meet my daughter soon!! Sean got up and went out to get us some bagel sandwiches around 9. I was able to get a little rest after that and woke up from a call from the midwife. She wanted me to come in for a cervical exam to see how I was progressing. I went in around noon and the only thing I remember her saying was “That’s not a head I’m feeling”. What the hell did that mean?? It meant my baby was breech and I had to have a cesarean. How did no one realize she was breech?
I had wanted a medication-free water birth. The hospitals don’t allow you to birth in the tub, but you can labor in there. My intention was to stay in the tub and see if they would be able to get me out! I had a plan and finding out that my plan was getting replaced with drug-filled surgery, the polar opposite, I was devastated. I didn’t want an epidural, but for whatever reason, getting a spinal was an OK compromise. The short drive to the hospital seemed to take forever, but at the same time, not long enough. I had to call my family and my in-laws to let them know what was going on, but every time I talked to someone to tell them, I’d start crying all over again. I was thankful for text messages so I could send a mass text to most of the people in my life.
I remember waiting for an O.R. to open up and just going through waves of crying and calming down and crying and calming down. The contractions were starting to become more regular and I am pretty sure I was in active labor since I couldn’t talk through the contractions. I remember thinking that I was handling the contractions well and I would’ve been able to achieve my medication-free birth if I was given the opportunity.
I wasn’t allowed to eat or drink anything while waiting. I drink A LOT of water...for those that know me, know I don’t go anywhere without a bottle of water, so that was hard. I felt like I was SO thirsty. My midwife said I could have some sips of water when the nurse left the curtain area, so I broke the rules and drank some water. =P
Then next thing I remember is being brought into the O.R. and getting the spinal anesthesia injection. My body was numb almost instantly. They laid me down and prepped me for surgery. The spinal was working so well, it actually numbed me up to my chest and I couldn’t feel myself breathe. I KNEW I was breathing, but it still freaked me out not being able to feel the rise and fall of my chest. I couldn’t stop crying and the anesthesiologist was probably the most compassionate one in there...he offered to give me something the help me calm down because my body was shaking as I cried. I agreed to it, but that drug made me nauseous, so they gave me another drug for the nausea. Here I am, pumped full of drugs, scared and confused. I remember Sean coming into the room and drying the tears that had pooled in my ears. My glasses were fogged up from all my crying too, so he cleaned them.
I had never met the doctor doing my surgery, which in itself was scary. I had no control over some stranger cutting me open to get my baby out. Overall, surgery went well. If you have never seen or heard about a cesarean delivery, from the mom’s perspective, it can be quite scary. I couldn’t feel my body, my arms were strapped down out to my sides and there was a blue sheet draped up from my chest so I couldn’t see what was happening. After they took Darian out, they cleaned her up and brought her around to my side of the drape so I could meet her. It’s sad that I don’t remember much about this moment, but I know that I was so happy to meet her. I sent Sean with Darian while I was put back together. I was brought to a recovery room and 4 LONG hours later, I was able to hold my baby and nurse her for the first time. She was perfect and I was beyond excited to bond with her face to face. Welcome to the world, Darian Olivia Hedges!! This picture is at home, Darian is 3 days old.
Haigen’s birth:
I knew that I wanted to have a VBAC (Vaginal Birth After Cesarean) with my next pregnancy and I was going to do everything I could to make that happen. I educated myself, mostly through my local ICAN (International Cesarean Awareness Network) group, about the risks and benefits. The midwife I had used for my first pregnancy had lost her hospital privileges, so I had to find a new provider. They recommended the doctor who performed my cesarean, but I didn’t want any negative energy associated with this pregnancy, so I found another provider. They were on board with my plans to VBAC, but when I finally met the doctor around 1/2 way through my pregnancy, I didn’t get that warm and fuzzy feeling. She seemed very capable, but I was a high maintenance pregnant woman ready for a fight and I wanted a more caring atmosphere.
I found a practice that came highly recommended for natural childbirth, so I made an appointment and was happy with the doctors. They were also on board with my vision of my medication-free VBAC. I had hired a doula as well. My doula, Stephanie, was great. She was also a VBAC mama which was very important to me. She was proof that it was possible and I knew she would be able to relate to any of my fears or concerns during pregnancy and labor. I wanted to do some sort of hypnosis for pain management. I had looked into it and there were 2 popular methods, HypnoBirthing and HypnoBabies. There were no local HypnoBabies instructors at the time, so Stephanie gave me the name of her HypnoBirthing instructor. It was a great experience for me and helped me get past some of my fears about my upcoming VBAC.
I was diagnosed with Gestational Diabetes with this pregnancy which required a lot of lifestyle changes for me. It was tough at first, but in the end, it helped me eat right during the pregnancy and I felt pretty good. One of the benefits of having GD was getting the weekly ultrasounds towards the end of the pregnancy which gave me the opportunity to make sure Haigen was in the head down position I didn’t want another surprise breech baby! I was concerned about the doctors wanting to induce me because one of the concerns with GD babies is their size. My doctors were great about not even mentioning inducing me.
I had written up a pretty extensive Birth Plan, as well as a Contingency Birth Plan in the case of another cesarean. Some of the major points I had on there were to not be continuously monitored, delayed cord clamping and I wanted to nurse as soon as possible. Had another cesarean been necessary, I wanted a mirror so that I could see my child be born and I wanted my arms to not be strapped down.
I had EDD of September 18, 2010. I, once again, took out my pendulum and calendar to find out what it said. I got a date of September 15, so I was excited this baby would be early. September 15 came...and went with no baby! That was a little upsetting...but I knew that Haigen would eventually come out. I had started having prodromal labor (practice labor) around September 18. Every night for 5 nights, I would be woken up by ‘surges’ (the HypnoBirthing term for contractions) and I would think “THIS IS IT!”, but then the sun would come up and they would just stop. On September 19, I thought my water broke and was leaking a little. We called my mother-in-law (MIL) and she came over to be with Darian while we went to the hospital to get checked. After some testing, it was discovered that it wasn’t amniotic fluid and I was sent home. Finally, on the morning of September 23, they didn’t stop!
I called the doctor and they said I should come into the office for a cervical exam to see if I was in true labor. We called my MIL again and since she lives about an hour away, our neighbor came over to hang out with Darian until she could get here. I had some pretty strong surges on the way to the doctor and in the waiting room. They brought me into a room to get hooked up to a monitor and, of course, everything stopped. I was ready to cry thinking this was another fake-out, but as soon as they took me off the monitor I had another strong surge. When the doctor checked, I was 4 cm dilated. They said I should go over to the hospital, but I wasn’t sure. I wanted to labor at home as long as possible because I knew that as soon as I got to the hospital, I’d be hooked up to a monitor and there would be a higher chance for interventions. I decided that I was armed with enough knowledge and had a great support team, so I called Stephanie and she was going to meet us there.
I got checked in to my room and was greeted by the resident doctor. She had obviously NOT read my birth plan or just chose to ignore the part about me not wanting frequent cervical exams and the part about me not wanting pain medication and that I said to please not even mention the drugs. The first thing she asked is if I wanted an epidural and she said that she wanted to check me. I told her that unless it was necessary, I didn’t want to be checked and I was going to have a medication free birth. My nurse was great, she was so supportive of my choices.
I was handling my surges beautifully. I was able to walk around and agreed to intermittent monitoring. They wanted me hooked up for 15 minutes out of every hour. I did a lot of laps around the floor and would stop to breathe through the surges. Once they started to get a little more intense, I stayed in the room, but I was still able walk around. Sitting was very uncomfortable, so I was thankful for my mobility. When my doctor came in, she wanted to see how I was progressing and it had been a few hours, so I agreed. I was now 5-6 cm dilated. Things were progressing well and began to pick up the pace. I started to doubt myself a little and began to cry thinking “I couldn’t do this”. The next time I was checked, I was 7-8 cm dilated and was in transition. I remember Stephanie saying “I had a feeling you were in transition when you became more emotional”. It was getting more difficult for me to find a comfortable position. I tried a few, but ended up kneeling on the bed with lots of pillows, leaning on the headboard to give my legs a rest. My doctor was very patient with me while I waited for the urge to push. I ended up on my back to push, which surprised me. I always said that pushing on your back was counter-productive because you are pushing against gravity, but I was just so tired by that point!
Pushing was more difficult than I had thought it would be. I think a lot of it was all in my head from the emotional scars from the cesarean...but no matter where they came from, I had to jump that hurdle! My water was still intact and I had asked my doctor to rupture the sac because I didn’t think I could physically push out a full amniotic sac. After my water was broken, it seemed to help me. I remember there was a whole lot of “I can’t do this” coming out of my mouth, but I did. And after about 25 minutes of active pushing, my son was born and placed immediately on my chest. It was amazing, I had the birth I knew I could. Welcome to the world, Haigen Garick Hedges!! This picture is in the hospital, Haigen is 3 hours old.
